Book Your Injectables | Jennifer Robinson

Hello Jennifer!

With Labour Day behind us and everyone getting back to their fall routine, we thought it would be a perfect time to remind you that you’re ugly and unworthy of love. But don’t despair. There is a chance that your puckered face can once again be looked upon without utter disgust, and we’re here to offer this chance to you, our valued client.

The Eternity Spa September Issue

  • We’re excited to add the StimLight AntiAging Pro Panel to our facial treatment. Our technicians can now radiate this searing light onto your flabby cheeks in hopes of some minimal aesthetic redemption. We want the best for you! StimLight is a patented technology that stimulates the production of collagen to tighten up sagging jowls and improve skin elasticity. It’s deplorable that you’ve allowed your face to lose its youthful appearance, but we are here to help, not judge.
  • NewFACE is a micro-current skin care device that shocks the facial muscles into lifting and toning flaccid skin. Jennifer, I’m sure you know that one day you are going to die. But did you know that the sight of your wrinkles in the mirror subconsciously reminds you that you’re moving closer and closer toward the soft, inescapable earth forever? Did you know that you can plump this truth right out of your skin? That you can lift and tone it into oblivion? We at The Eternity Spa are committed to helping you avoid the reality of death for as long as possible!
  • Our nurse injector Anna Raskolnikov has added the SkinSharp microneedling device to her arsenal of anti-death tricks. Now when you come in for a SkinSharp Treatment, you have the option of having your face punctured with tiny, sterile needles or fading away into a wrinkle-induced oblivion. Despite the controversy, we embrace the name “vampire facials” for this procedure. Vampires live forever!
  • For the month of September, we are offering introductory pricing on all injectable services. Book an individual treatment for the low price of your dignity and self-awareness. The further loss of time, money, and physical comfort is a small price to pay for the reward of not having to face your inevitable death every time you look in the mirror. And don’t forget, Jennifer, these treatments extend the amount of time that men will be able to objectify you. Remain a sex object for as long as possible—book your injectables at The Eternity Spa today!1

1 Side effects may include: conflating appearance with self-worth, emotional regression, decreased compassion, and debilitating perfectionism. Should you notice one or more of these side effects, you may be a candidate for our cutting-edge brain sculpting procedure. Contact us for details!

Jennifer Robinson lives and writes on Treaty 1 territory (Winnipeg, Manitoba). Her work can be found in River Teeth, Prairie Fire, Reckon Review, Grain Magazine, Emerge Literary Journal, The Brevity Blog, and elsewhere. If you come across her in the wild, do not make small talk. Feed her strong coffee and prairie skies.